more fucked up shit

Another day, still a lot of anger and numbness. Like yesterday I was able to retreat into my mind for a bit. It helped me, made me feel nothing and everything at the same time, yet outward I would have looked like a mental patient staring at the walls, thank god no one was around. No one can see me like that.

The fibro fog is seriously impacting my ability to deal with this shit properly, my memory is fucked by it and i have to keep reminding myself to trust no one. Seeing the lock i fitted to my door helps. It acts as a reminder and also makes me feel safe.

Thought about running away, if i win the lottery I'll go ahead with it. Otherwise I'll just have to stick it out until the family fucks off in a few months. I wish I could win the lottery. I don't want anything of theirs.

I find myself not caring about anything, i avoid staying in my parent's view for long. I no longer see myself as her, Nadine, Nads... anything she was is gone. Even thinking about those names makes me nauseous. I dont know who i am. I know Im not going to give up though.

Along with the extreme apathy and fibro fog i keep getting hit with memories of my parents talking about my cousin when I was younger. Rumors in the family of him sexually assaulting his brother, beating up his brother...did that happen to me? Part of me just doesn't care.

I have no idea if I believe my parents or not. I know that either my parents or their siblings are liars and con men. The only safe option is to close them all out. Building up an emotional brick wall is even harder than i realised. Especially when they talk about moving into the retirement house, leaving me at peace here. I dont want to feel any positives about any of them, all that will happen is they will see a crack in the wall and use it to their advantage.

All of them just want to bicker about each other, and me being impartial means they 'confide' in me more. I try to block them out, herd them away but they are too wrapped up in their own shit that they don't notice my hardened stares. They know stress makes me sick, they just dont care until they can get sympathy for having a disabled daughter.

Part of me thinks about telling them everything they dont know, but that would make me on their level. They would twist my bad experiences around and make it their own, if lucky I will be provided some pity and a condescending remark from dad or mum might just say 'build a bridge and get over it.' She'll go to her frienimies who have competitions to see which daughter has the most problems. So far she's told them I was a drug addict [never been one], I was a prostitute [I had platonic guy friends she assumed I was fucking]and I was literally insane [admittedly this was based on my dating history and technically correct, i was nuts for dating those wankers]. It's safer to just keep quiet and build that wall.

Do I break up my parent's marriage by telling mum that from the age of 3 dad brainwashed me against her? That I was so fucked up in high school that I believed him when he said we'd get away from her? Do I tell her I caught dad cheating on her when I was 16? That the only reason he came clean was because I caught him and he was being blackmailed? Do I tell her I dont blame her for not wanting kids in the first place? That I'd rather she'd be happy than have kids? It wasn't worth being around her temper. She may have done her best, and I respect her for that. But dad's love has always been and will always be conditional. Mum will always make my problems her own, dad will always ensure he gets props and sympathy for dealing with me.

I made the mistake of trying to get past this shit, now I know i should have kept it with me. After all I have seen no change in all these years; Mum humiliates dad, dad uses that to get sympathy. I'm in the background getting angrier and angrier...until now. I'm not the bargaining chip in a black sheep's clothing.

I hate writing like this, i feel like some shitty emo, like i'm just trying to get sympathy for myself like dad does, all this does is make me feel dirty. I hate pity, that's why i cant talk about it. This way I can fool myself into thinking my audience here is just a bunch of pixels to help me get it out. I dont want to go back to my psychologist, he annoys the crap out of me. I dont want to go on medication, i have enough with my fibro medication as it is.

All I can do is enclose my experiences the wall; memories I wish i didn't have and one's I didn't know I had. They all stay safe with me, they can't be used against me. I can only trust my friends.

struggling to get out of bed, still numb from everything. I know now that not a single person in my family can be trusted. I hate them all, the few friends I have will be all I have anything to do with. I'm done. I'm so fucking done.

Buying a lock for my door, things are going to change

fucked up shit

Have you ever had a moment where you're wondering if you can trust your own memories? I'm having that at the moment and i'm so scared, how can I trust anyone?

I repress a lot from my childhood, why not? There's nothing i can do about the past, its gone, i cant change it and even though it made me who i am, it shouldn't hold me back from a worthwhile future. I disassociate myself from who I was then, I've made different choices and learned not to trust those who can hurt me.

The thing is instinctively I shy away from men, they are only friends, can only be friends and its extremely difficult for me to get into relationships. For years I wondered if it was due to parental mind games.

I met my cousin for the first time in about 20 years. My parents dont get a long with ANY siblings hence the lack of contact. Anyhoo i recently became friends with my mum's sister. My cuz is into tatts and piercings like I am and i was able to have a civil conversation with him. I get home and my parents are epically disapproving, I shrug it off based on the fact my cuz looks a bit rough due to the body mods and my parents are snobs. Finally mum strongly hints that he did something to me as a kid and dad lost his shit at the time.

"Did something" .... fuck that

Time to go back into therapy

last post

Hey dudes,

I wont be updating this anymore i've started tumblr account under unslothable. I'll probably delete this at some point.

Anyhoo

unslothable.tumblr.com

i reblog shit and do stuff :) if you have a tumblr let me know so i can follow

These are the new tatts :)

The sloth tattoo is on my lower left hip-favorite deadly sin, animal and my biggest character trait

The Phoenix and Southern Cross are in relation to Black Saturday where at least 173 died in the firestorm.

The rib tattoo is a spoon with butterfly wings aka spooniefly. I made this in relation to the spoon theory of chronic illness, the purple butterfly wings also represent chronic illness including fibromyalgia

I will kill you in your sleep, so you better try, try and keep awake

Fibromyalgia- if it were a living breathing person I would smash it over the head repeatedly with a brick.

Just when you think you have a handle on things another symptoms appears.

Just when you think you've collected all the really shitty non-terminal yet debilitating symptoms another really weird one comes upon you.

This is why I am sitting up, blurry eyed at 5 am unable to sleep. I seem to have come across something truely fucked up, we're talking bad-LSD-trip fucked up.

No doubt you've heard my bitch of my bedroom being the local meeting place for spiders...NOT.FUCKING.AWESOME... anyhoo, I thankfully have only woken up with one crawling on me and haven't been bitten.

In the last week and a bit my skin has been going crazy, in the LSD freakout way. At random times it honestly feels like there is something crawling on my arms and legs.

This happens day and night, i've actually watched my arms to see what the fuck is going on, in short i can see the hairs on my arms moving without external stimuli. The nerves in my skin are firing for no goddamn reason and it freaks me the fuck out.

I've recieved treatment for this [involving needles in my neck to treat the radial nerve causing this shit], i hope to god this fucks off in the next day or two.

Between this bag of shitastic fun and my usual symptom fuckery I'm slowling going insane.

The misadventures of Bruce and Shiela... an epic tragedy

Nothing gets on my tits more than people painting the Australian people as a bunch of quaint hicks. Crocodile Dundee, Steve Irwin, Kath and Kim and that episode of The Simpsons are like nails on a chalkboard for me.

Unfortunately, for the right price large corporations like Oprah and McDonalds can bribe an Australian "celebrity" to pass off a stereotype as the truth.

The Aussie stereotype means fuck all in today's society. In fact for it to be accurate we would all have to live in the Outback deserts of Northern Territory, drink XXXX beer while wearing an Akubra, blue wife beater and khaki shorts.Due to being at the arse-end of the world people have no idea what Australia is really like.

A long lost relative in America got in touch with us recently, he spoke about America and how they have these awesome things called "roads". Yup, apparently we haven't heard of such a thing in Australia. A European crossword puzzle stated the Uluru (that big fuckin rock in the middle of the Aussie desert) was in the USA... part of the Grand Canyon apparently.

Admittedly i am a bit of a bogan (an uncommon Australian coloquialism for red neck.) I do use the term budgie smugglers and occasionally refer to a male as a bloke, but this is a rarity. The truth is that depending on where you are in Australia there is a different type of person.

Here's some of our own stereotypes:

Melbourne Stereotype - Coffee drinking, business types. Think Seattle without the grunge

Sydney Stereotype - Colourful and fun yet still civilised. Think California

Brisbane Stereotype - Its also called BrisVegas...guess why

Darwin Stereotype - See Australian Stereotype

Hobart (Tasmania) - Olympic Peninsular meets Deliverance. Wet and inbred.

Adelaide - renoun for their water the way that Mexico is, your corpse could end up in a barrel of acid

Perth - Mining town full of men (actually when i visited there it was like a warn version of Canada. Clean and polite)

Canberra - no one actually has a stereotype of Canberra because its just a giant roundabout that holds all the politicians. Its meant to be our nations Capital.

I'm a Melbournian. I live in the suburbs, I used to commute to the city for my financial administration job and my wardrobe consists of mostly black. More importantly; I avoid McDonalds like the plague because it tastes like utter shit.

I can tell you if someone I worked with suggested going to Maccas for a business meeting they would be hardcore ridiculed, same if they refered to someone as a bloke or a sheila.

Things Australia is fuckawesome at are:
- Science
- Our healthcare system shits all over yours (unless your French or Swedish, you dudes have a pretty sweet deal)
- Our Wine and Beer shits over many other countries' wine and beer

Things that are not so fuck awesome:

http://www.cracked.com/funny-163-australia/

admittedly i have not encountered any of those beasties. Although, i seem to have an infestation of white tail spiders in my room- they're about an inch and a half long and some carry a flesh eating bacteria...not so awesome.

We also have some really nasty snakes in my state...but other than that Australia is pretty ok and mostly non-Redneck